Saecula saeculorum
by alwaysx4
Summary: it means 'forever & ever' - It used to be so easy. Now it seems like they have one misfortune after the other but what if one of those misfortunes changes your life forever? What if you're left behind with nothing but hope? (ESTABLISHED) DENSI - NO character death BUT HOSPITAL RELATED fic!
1. Imbroglio

**Author's note: **Hey there, lovelies. So after more than a year of not publishing any of my multi-chap fics (either bc I never finished them or just because I got caught up with life) I can finally upload a new one. This one's special to me. It is in so many ways but the main reason is, that this is the first 'real' fanfic I've written about NCIS LA. About Densi. I have to say there has never been a character that could make me cry and then the next moment burst out into laughter like this one does. This fic is 'for' and mainly about Deeks. I won't say much because I don't like reading the author's note and already knowing what's about to happen in the next 15-20 chapters - so I won't tell you much.

I'll just tell you this: The fic is set 4 years from now, although it starts in the present. It is NOTHING Descent/Ascension related, though I might refer to things that have happened from season 2-4. This is a Densi fic, they're canon, which does not mean that everything is going to be funny or perfect. In fact (to those of you who have read my Castle fic 'Unforgotten') I like rollercoaster-fics :)

So have fun with it - I hope you'll enjoy it and hopefully you'll want to keep on reading.

With these words I will leave you now to the prologue called 'imbroglio'

love, milly

* * *

**PROLOGUE**

**im-bro-glio**

/im'brōlyō/ 

_Noun_

_An extremely confused, complicated, or embarrassing situation: ''the Watergate imbroglio''_

_Synonyms_

_1. entanglement_

_2. complication_

* * *

_October 29__th__ 2014 – 4 years ago_

She smiled, gently caressing his cheek and pressing a soft kiss on his lips.

"I love you," he whispered, kissing her back, his one hand placed on her back the other tenderly holding her face.

"I love _you._"she assured him and smiled over the kiss.

It still felt like the first time. The shivers, the butterfly, the pounding heart in her chest threatening to burst. She felt him stumble a few steps back, then he was leaning against his car, his fiance leaning against him, her hair tickeling his nose, her lips softly playing with his.

''We should go,'' she whispered, stepping back an inch and glancing into his familiar, trustworthy eyes. ''We're gonna be late.'' she smiled and her smile got brighter as she saw him grin.

They were still in front of their house. They should have left an hour ago but instead they had been softly kissing each other and flirting like they were about to go on their first or second date.

He titled his head, gently putting a curl behind her ear, still grinning at her. A crooked smile – her favourite. ''Let's go,'' he answered, kissed her and let go of her only to turn around and open the car door.

The night had passed quickly but they had had a lovely time. Though they hadn't shared their little but precious secret with their friends.

He opened the car and got in looking at her as she did the same.

''We will have to tell them, you know?'' he grinned and started the car.

''I know.'' she whispered back, insecure whether she was ready to share the news or not.

Everyone was so suppportive. They had been engaged for one year now and no one had ever asked them when they would finally get married, when the big day would be. Honestly, they didn't know either. They had no rush nor did they feel the need to have a big ceremony and a even bigger party any time soon. They were living a good life. Their private life was quiet, yet adventerous whilst their working life tested them every day; it gave them oportunities to be themselves but not to be themselves and to strenghten their love, trust and respect for each other. No, they did not need to get married right away. Just a few months back they had bought a beautiful and comfortable little house next to the beach. Nothing special, but special enough for them to buy it.

''When do you want to tell them?'' he interrupted her thoughts and something in his voice forced her to look at him.

''I don't know yet.'' she replied simply, still looking at him as she turned his head back to face the road. It was late at night, maybe 1 or 2 A.M. and it was raining slightly. She turned away and looked out the window. Everyone had been so supportive over the last couple years. Watching them as them finally made it to the end of their dance and found to each other. Twp years. It felt like they had been together forever. And that she meant positively. But she was unsure as how they would react to this little wonder. What would they say?.

''Hey,'' she heard him softly say and turned back to him to meet his beautiful and soft eyes. He gave her that crooked smile she adored so much and reached to take her hand, gently caressing the back of it. ''Whenever you're ready. You're not doing this alone. We're in this together, alright? I love you, I hope you know that.''

Hell, of course she did. He would do the world for her and she knew that, not only because he had saved her life many times or even actually told her that he would do anything for her, but also because she loved him aswell and she knew she would do the world for him.

''I know,'' she said in a quiet, smiling back at him through the darkness. ''I love yo-''

She didn't get to finish her sentence. In that very moment a horn cut her off. Their heads both turned to the side from which the noise was coming only to see a massive truck drive towards them uncontrollably. She wanted to scream, wanted to tell him to evade from the truck's trail but her mouth was unable to form the words. Her veins pumped adrenaline with which she did not not what to do, paralysed by the angst of the picture already forming in her head. It was too late. They had reacted too late. Either that or the truck driver had seen them to late. But all that didn't matter. It was too late either way.

* * *

_''If my world were to cave in tomorrow, I would look back on all the pleasures, excitements and worthwhilenesses I have been lucky enough to have had. Not the sadness, not my miscarriages or my father leaving home, but the joy of everything else. It will have been enough.''_  
_**- Audrey Hepburn**_

* * *

_**The next chapter has already been written and right now it's being beta read. I hoped you liked this little tease and hopefully you'll want to keep on reading. I'm probably going to upload one to two times a week (since school is a b*tch) - the next chap might be uploaded on friday or saturday (:**_


	2. Crestfallen

**Author's note: **Thank you guys for the nice reviews, really made me wanna upload the fic immediately :)

So here's the 'first chap' - I also dedicated it to someone special. But I don't wanna talk much, I'd rather let you read it and hopefully, you'll like it (:

Here you go, this one's called 'crestfallen'.

* * *

_To the girl, who brought me back to writing without even knowing_

_and without me realizing._

_To the fangirl, who tolerates my weirdest, most wicked theories _

_and motivates me to keep developing more heartbreaking _

_and breathtaking theories, stories. _

_To you, who I know but I don't know. _

_To Delfi, thank you for everything._

* * *

_**ONE**_

**crest-fal-len**

/'krest,ôlən/

_Adjective_

_1. Sad and disappointed._

_2. Dejected and discouraged._

_Synonyms_

_1. Depressed_

_2. Despondent_

_3. Dispirited_

* * *

_August 2018 – 4 years later._

The hot water ran down her naked body as she just stood there, her arms holding each others elbow as to console herself. She was there but at the same time she was not. That day passing by her inner eye over and over again. Just like every time she showered. Or like every time it rained. She couldn't but to remember that night in the car. She had been traumatized but after a year and two months of therapy she had been able to see the crash more vivid. She had remembered details she hadn't remembered before. And now, after four years, she could even remember him scream. She remembered how he turned to her, his body a wall between her and the truck.

Her right hand went up to meet the thin scar on her left shoulder blade. The truck had catapulted them out of their car, her back going first through the glass of the car door. Wrong. That was a wrong memory. It hadn't catapulted them out. Just her. He had been hit by the truck so hard, that the car had somehow rolled over several times with him in it.

She shivered even though the water running down her body was as hot as a bare flame. After another ten minutes of just standing there, analyzing what had happened four years ago and thinking about whether she could had done something to change the outcome, or not, she decided to let it be for the day and turned off the water. Thinking about what had happened was of no use.

* * *

It was early in the morning, maybe 5 A.M. Maybe 6 A.M. However, everyone else was asleep. Quietly, she walked towards her daughter's room and stopped at the door frame. Her eyes tried to adapt to the darkness in her little girl's room and as they did she could she her light-brown curls falling into her face and down her shoulders. Her eyelids fluttered as from a bad dream, concealing her ocean blue eyes.

She sighed and turned around, walked down the stairs and approached the kitchen. Even though they had been living here for four years now, she still hadn't adapted to the fact that this might stay their home forever. It wasn't their house. And having to share their lives with other people was strange. Even though those other people were family as well.

She didn't care to turn on the lights, instead she walked into the kitchen and started the coffee machine. Slowly she let her body fall into one of the chairs in the dining room right next to the kitchen. It felt like another universe. At this time of the day everything was so peaceful. All she could hear was the coffee machine's dull noise, the birds outside singing to the sun rising from the horizon and the familiar snore that had woken her up so many times during the first year in this house.

She didn't know how long she had been sitting there. But judging from the fact that the sun had already completely parted from the horizon it had to have been over half an hour. The coffee machine had stopped long ago but she wasn't able to get up and pour herself a cup. How many times had she wished for him to be there, pouring her the cup of coffee, handling it over to her and softly kissing her, just like four years ago? She noticed how by thinking about it she had stopped breathing and suddenly she panicked, taking as much air in as her lungs allowed her to.

''Honey, are you alright?'' she looked up to see a slim figure standing in the kitchen, looking at her. The sun was up but the kitchen was yet dark and even the rest of the house wasn't lightened up yet.

''Yes, I am'' she assured as she recognized the voice. Slowly she got up and walked to the coffee machine, taking a cup out of one of the cupboards whilst grabbing the pot of coffee. ''I'm fine''

Then they had breakfast but none of them said a word. Three cups of coffee and a bowl of muesli later she finally looked up from her empty cup.

''Is he still asleep?'' she asked not looking at her opposite but glancing out the window at the spotless blue sky. The world is so innocent. Thousands of people could die and over six-billion people wouldn't even notice it.

''He is'' her opposite answered, the voice breaking as she seemed to feel guilty for having a ''he'' in her life. ''So is Rachel'' the voice added and then she finally looked at her opposite.

''It's almost 8 o'clock..'' it was more of an astonishment than a statement. ''I should wake her up and bring her over, otherwise I will be late'' she reasoned, more to herself than to her opposite.

* * *

It's needless to say that the moment she was about to walk into her daughter's room she couldn't but to stop at the door frame once again and just look at her little girl. She had grown so fast, it felt like two days ago she had just been a few weeks old and sleeping on her lap and now she was this beautiful, active and kind little girl. Her little girl.

''You would fall in love with her'' she whispered to him, who wasn't there. A quiet sigh escaped her as she finally stepped into the beautifully decorated room and sat by her bed.

''Hey, honey?'' she softly pressed a kiss on her daughter's forehead and pulled the quilt back. ''Come on, honey, wake up...Rachy?'' gently she pulled back the curls that had fallen into her face and saw the little girls eyes open slowly. ''Hey'' she whispered and smiled.

''Mommy?'' Rachel slowly sat up to kiss and hug her mother good-morning and smiled at her once she had let go. ''No cry, mommy'' she whispered as she saw a single tear running down her mother's cheek just like almost every morning when Rachel opened her eyes and her mother could look into her deep ocean blue pools.

''I'm not'' her mother assured her, pushing aside the thoughts about the crash that were, once again, trying to take over her mind. ''Come on, mommy made you some pancakes'' she winked at the girl and stood up to allow her to get out of bed. That was one of the few things Rachel had inherited from her mother: she hated it when she wasn't allowed to do things by herself. Especially things she knew she could do. She was little, yes, but in that aspect she equaled her mother a lot.

After helping her brush her teeth and get dressed, she looked at her watch and had to realize that she was probably going to be late.

* * *

Half an hour later they were driving over. It took barely five minutes for them to arrive at their destination and less than two minutes to get out of the car, take the elevator to the third floor and knock at the door.

''Rach!'' the familiar and joyful voice made her jump.

''Aunty Nell'' the little girl grinned and hugged her 'aunt'.

''Go inside, I'll be right there'' Nell assured her.

''Bye, mommy'' Rachel turned to her mom and hugged her waist before running off and disappearing into the apartment.

''Thank you, again, for doing this. I don't know where else to take her. My mom and my step-dad are working and I..-'' she pressed her lips together in order to console herself and keep the tears from running.

''Don't worry, Kens. We'll be fine, I promise. I've gotta run to OPS later, to get some stuff done, but Eric has already planned out their time together so it's fine, really. Go, don't worry.'' the familiar and trustworthy voice of her friend calmed Kensi down and she knew that Rachel would be good. Just like she had been for the past four years, almost staying every day for at least five hours with either Hetty, Nell or her Mom. She was too afraid of sending her to a kindergarten. They had too many enemies, god knows what could happen to her little angel.

''Thanks'' she barely got out the word. A quick and forced smile lightened up her face then it was gone, leaving behind those tired and guilty eyes with the worry line on her forehead, the lips pressed together.

* * *

**Hope you liked the first actual chap! please let me know if you wanna keep reading :)**

**love, milly**


	3. Harbinger

**Author's note:** I know, the last chapter has been confusing but to be honest: that was its purpose. I need to say that I love confusing stories; whether it's a novel, a thriller or simply a fic. So for you to understand my fic a little better you need to know that I like suffering through stories; whether it's through written, sung or filmed stories. I love it and I try to put a lot of that in my fics.

So as you might have already guessed, there will be more confusion in the chapters to come. Maybe not as big a confusion as there was in the last chapter but I'll do my best to not let you guys down :)

This chapter's special to be, since it's dedicated to someone who will most probably never get to read the story or even the dedication. Maybe it's because of the person that I love this upcoming character so much and I promise you, this is not the last time you'll hear of her.

Here you go, 'harbinger' - enjoy!

* * *

_To my first life-teacher, my first escort._

_To my first babysitter, my first friend._

_To the one woman who waited every day _

_for me to arrive in the school bus._

_To Nancy - this next character's for you._

_Wherever you might be – thank you._

* * *

**TWO**

**har-bin-ger**

/'härbənjər/

_Noun_

_1. A person or thing that announces or signals the approach of another._

_2. A forerunner of something._

_3. A messenger with news for the future._

_Synonyms_

_1. Herald_

_2. Portent_

_3. Precursor_

* * *

_August 2018 – 4 years after the crash_

She was already late so there was no need to rush. Slowly, she got into her car and started it, trembling with every second that passed in which the engine was working. She grabbed the wheel, determined only to let go of it to change gear. A silent moan escaped her as she realized that she was alone in the car and in order to get to her destination she definitely had to take the highway.

''Come on, Kensi. You do this every day'' she tried to console herself but it wasn't really much of a help. Shaking and praying for nothing to happen to her she softly put pressure on the gas pedal and the car started rolling.

It took her over thirty minutes to get to the hospital. More than it would have taken her four years ago. But a lot had changed since then. Including the fact that she had a daily thirty minutes drive to the hospital – a place she loathed abysmally.

When she finally stopped the engine and got out her car, she noticed the way her entire body was still trembling. As if something in her was afraid she would make her body go back into that car again. She didn't. Instead she forced her body to put one foot in front of the other and make their way towards the entrance of the least place she ever thought would be a part of her life for so long.

* * *

Against her will the smell of disinfectants and the feeling of insecurity and malaise had all become familiar to her and a part of her daily routine. Without taking her eyes from the elevators, she rushed towards them to still get into one which doors were almost closed.

''Thanks'' she murmured to a man who had seen her running towards the elevator and, to her surprise, pressed the button for the doors to open again.

Why to her surprise, you ask? Well if there was one thing Kensi had learned about hospitals in the last few years then it was the fact that no one gave a damn. No one cares whether you are walking through those doors on fire, screaming or almost dying. Well, no one but the staff. But the visitors, the friends and family of the patients, they don't care. She had learned that everyone had his own history, his very own problems to drown in. So she had adapted herself to her surroundings. She didn't look anyone but the doctors or the nurses in the eyes. She didn't speak to anyone but the staff and she avoided the cafeteria, where the patients' relatives spend their time talking about how horrible life was, asking why it had happened to them and not to someone else. The world might be innocent but people are selfish. Selfish and cold – a bad combination.

The elevator held in almost every floor and to Kensi's relief she just had to reach the fourth floor. An annoying noise came out of the elevator as it stopped and its heavy doors opened. Quickly she made her way out of the metal box, having to push aside one or two women who did not feel the need to step aside and let her pass.

Once outside that weird feeling hit her, like every single day. A mixture of anxiety and angst because she knew that each day could be the day; fury because it had happened to her and to him; guilt because she hadn't been able to do a single thing and hope because...well...each day could be the day.

* * *

It is hard to say how much time she had been standing in the hallway, blocking the elevator doors, but the moment three nurses rolled by a bed and rushed towards her she almost had to jump aside to let them pass. That pulled her out of her thoughts and she remembered where she was. Slowly, putting one foot in front of the other, she made her way towards room 204.

''Nancy'' she murmured a greeting as she entered his room and saw the nurse standing next to his bed, looking at her watch.

Kensi's eyes widened and her heart started hammering against her chest. There were only a handful of scenarios in which a nurse looking at her watch – next to a patient – made any sense. As Nancy saw her worried look she quickly walked up to her, placed her hands on Kensi's shoulders and smiled at her.

''He's alright, Ms. Blye. Don't worry" the nurse started. Nancy was a middle-aged, dark haired American-Chilean woman. She was short, had coffee brown skin and a beautiful, comforting and consoling smile. She was that kind of woman you would be honored to call your friend, lucky to call your mother and simply blessed to call your nurse. She was honest, sensitive, calm and so very confident. It simply made Kensi feel secure about him having Nancy as his nurse.

''I was just checking whether I already needed to give him his medicine or not'' she continued, her voice calming her. The nurse watched Kensi's face turn from shocked back to worried. Her natural state. The only times her face actually would relax were when she was with Rachel. But even during those times she was incredibly emotional and teared-up very easily.

Nancy looked at her, locking their eyes, trying to find out whether she was alright or not. Slowly Kensi nodded and made a rude movement to get pass the nurse and walk towards his bed.

She reached for his hand and heard Nancy close the door as she left the room. Careful not to touch any wires or tubes she sat down on a chair next to his bed and hid her face in his motionless hand.

A few tears found their way out through her eyes but she quickly wiped them away, sitting up again and lifting her right hand to touch his right cheek. He looked so normal. There were no bruises, no bandages anymore. No swollen face. Nothing. Just him, lying there as if he was asleep and about to wake up any minute. Only that he was not. He was in a coma. Had been for almost four years now and even though he seemed lost, his whole body kept working without any outer help. He was stable. His reflexes and vitals were good – the only thing was that he wouldn't wake up. No one knew how he had gone from almost being released out of the hospital to suddenly in a coma. It had just happen. Simply over night. One of those stormy nights in which she had been to afraid to drive to the hospital for the second time on that day. Since then she didn't just blame herself for not having helped him get out of the wreck four years ago. She also blamed herself for not being there to keep him from slipping away.

''I'm so, so sorry'' she whispered, hiding her face in his chest and gently kissing his chin, his nose, his lips. ''I'm so sorry''

''It is not your fault, you know'' a voice behind her stated and almost made her jump but she kept herself together and instead looked up from his chest to meet the owner of the smoky voice.

''You weren't there'' she countered – her most famous phrase over the last four years. Whenever someone would try to assure her that it was not her fault, she stated the obvious: certain person hadn't been there and therefore couldn't possibly know whether it was her fault or not.

''How is he?'' she asked in a quiet after a long pause, looking back at the familiar face lying next to her.

''Surprisingly good'' the voice came closer and she could smell the dull scent of smoke coming from his clothes. She looked up to the doctor and could see his brown eyes with dark rings beneath them. Since she had known him this is how he had looked.

''His vitals are getting better, he reacts to light and also he starts to move his feet whenever we tickle him'' he continued, checking the machines and then looking down at Kensi with a bright smile. ''Ms. Blye, it could be that your fiance is waking up''

* * *

**This is the chap that hopefully brought some light into all the confusion - so as promised: he's not dead (yet - nah just kidding..aren't I?)**

**Don't worry this is not the end of the fic nor is it almost the end :)**

**Hope you liked the chap - and really; how excited are we about tonight's episode? My baby Deeks :'(**


	4. Halcyon

**Author's note:** There is not much to say, maybe just that you guys are awesome and you make me wanna upload every seconds just to see your reactions - thanks so much.

So without much talking, I'll leave you to 'Halcyon' but before you go off to read it, read this:

_So I'd like to dedicate this to you,_

_the author's best friend: the fan. _

_The one that keeps every writer going,_

_the one who motivates and inspires us._

_Thanks to you, who take the time _

_and read this through - it means the world._

_Thanks to every pair of eyes, __trying to make sense _

_of what's written in these lines._

_Thank **you**._

* * *

**THREE**

**hal-cy-on**

/'halsēən/

_Adjective_

_Denoting a period of time […] that was idyllically happy or peaceful._

_Noun_

_A tropical Asian and African kingfisher with brightly colored plumage._

_Synonyms_

_1. Peaceful_

_2. Tranquil_

_3. Placid_

* * *

_August 2018 – 4 years after the crash_

It was the first time in four years that she had properly smiled. In fact she started laughing. What had begun as a simple laugh quickly changed into a hysterical one. All the weight of the past years seemed to simply vanish and suddenly she felt at ease.

She forced herself to stop laughing as she noticed that she had lost control over those emotions she had trying to keep bottled up so carefully. Those positive and happy feelings, she always tried to hide because she felt guilty simply feeling them whilst he was lying in a hospital bed feeling nothing but pain. She shook away the bright laugh and the glassy eyes and replaced them by a decent smile and a slight fire lighting up in her eyes. No worry-line. No sad, tired eyes. No pressed-together lips.

The doctor smiled over the outcome to his good news. ''We believe he will wake up within the next couple of days'' he repeated what she had missed during her laugh-period.

''Thank you, really, thanks'' she said and she really meant it. She meant it and her heart skipped a beat as she realized that one of the next days might be the day.

The doctor, Dr. Lewis to be precise, continued talking about how his recovery might have seemed to take forever but that still, for a coma-patient, he was recovering oddly quick. Then he talked about vitals and numbers and statistics but Kensi wasn't listening anymore. She turned back to her fiance and leaned over so that she could whisper in to his ear the words she had been wishing to say for such a long time.

''You hear that, Deeks? You'll be back soon. You will'' she smiled, pressing her forehead against his. ''I will be here when you wake up, I promise. And you will finally get to now her...oh she's grown up to be so beautiful you will fall in love with her''

She sat there for the rest of the forenoon. Noon. Afternoon.

* * *

It was already dark outside as she walked to her car in the weak light of the street lanterns and she started shivering again just thinking about the fact that she was supposed to drive home alone. She knew it was stupid to feel like that. She was a federal Agent and at work she never felt the shivers but maybe just because when she was actually in a car she was never the one driving and she was always accompanied by either Sam or Callen. She took a deep breath before getting into the car and a even deeper one before starting the engine.

It took her way over forty minutes to get to Nell's apartment – way too long considering that half of the route she had just driven was on the highway. Quickly she turned off the engine and got out of the car. Maybe today they would be staying at Nell's.

Kensi was just walking up to the stairs as she heard the door in the next floor open and little, naked feet stumble down the stairs to meet her. She quickened her step to meet her little girl halfway and opened her arms to catch her as she threatened to fall down the few steps that were separating mother and daughter.

''Careful, honey'' she said, a little too loud and a little too anxious. She grabbed her daughter and walked up the few steps left with her in her arms before letting her down again, kneeling next to her and giving her a 'hello'-kiss. ''How was your day?'' she asked and for the first time she was eager to tell someone about hers as well.

As Rachel started telling about her day and how she and Nell had gone for a walk and had played games Kensi didn't know, Kensi looked up to find a very bright smiling Nell who was obviously intrigued by the change in Kensi's face and so she softly rushed her daughter into entering the apartment. The moment Rachel was finished talking she yawned – much to Kensi's relief.

She loved Rachel but Kensi really needed to talk to Nell and having Rachel around asking all sorts of questions wouldn't be very pleasant, to be honest. A quick look at Nell let her know that they were allowed to stay over and so she helped Rachel get ready for bed and read her one goodnight-story after the other, even made up one or two with her, whilst her friend was in the kitchen cooking for them – Kensi hadn't even noticed how hungry she was.

''Night, my little girl'' she whispered as her daughter had finally closed the curtains to her deep blue eyes. Slowly and carefully she got up from the bed Rachel was lying in, a tiny bed in a even tinier spare room in Nell's apartment, and silently closed the door behind her as she left the room.

* * *

Tired of the events of the day she let herself fall into her friend's couch, taking the glass of wine she was being offered.

''Thanks'' she smiled at Nell and took a sip.

''Is she sleeping?'' Nell asked mainly to talk about something else than Kensi's visit at the hospital. At that point she didn't know that that visit was the one thing her friend wanted to truly talk about.

''She is'' Kensi replied, looking at the closed door and then back at her friend.

Nell had noticed it earlier: Kensi was different. No, her face was. She looked more open, more relaxed, happy even – as far as it was possible for her to be happy given the circumstances.

''Kens?'' Nell sat down next to her on the couch, leaning in a little bit as if her friend was about to tell her the biggest secret on earth. Then, again, Kensi's face changed. It went from relaxed and open to glassy eyes and a tired, but promising look on her face. She took a deep breath before putting her glass on a little wooden table next to the couch and then turned her body to face Nell.

Now her friend was intrigued. For the first time in four years it seemed like Kensi was actually excited about something. Eager to share what had happened during her day.

''He's waking up, Nell'' Kensi finally said after a long pause. Her voice was almost a whisper as the words came out of her mouth and her lips were shaking. ''He's waking up''

* * *

**Next one's coming up on tuesday, hope you liked this one - it's calm and doesn't seem promising, I know, but I've got you covered my friends - it's all already being written ;)**


	5. Time

**Author's note: **So, as promised, here's the next chapter - just a few hours before the next episode (which will hopefully have lots and lots of great and amusing Densi scenes in it!) I don't have much to say about this chap, but I wanna thank you guys for being such beautiful and motivating readers!

I've recently written a chap (it's gonna be chap 6 or 7) with which I've cried by simply writing it..so I think you're gonna love it :)

* * *

_This one's to all the people out there suffering from lost _

_or hurting from not being able to be with their loved ones anymore. _

* * *

**FOUR**

**time**

/tīm/

_Noun_

_The indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future _

_regarded as a whole._

_Synonyms_

_1. Epoch_

_2. Period_

_3. Season_

* * *

_August 2018 – 4 years after the crash_

The next day Kensi stayed home until noon. She felt the need to spend more time with her daughter and therefore skipped the morning visit at the hospital. Rachel was four years old and the probability of her saying 'mom' to Nell, Hetty, Kensi's mom or even Eric was higher than her saying it to her actual mother. Still she was lucky. For some reason her little girl understood and never asked any questions. She never asked anything of her but love and fantasy stories at night before bed. For that Kensi was thankful. She knew that it could be worse. Her child was a wonder. An actual wonder and no one but her and two other people on the entire planet knew about that.

With a quiet sigh she got up from her daughter's bed and silently closed the door to the room where her little angel was taking a nap.

It was sometime past 2 A.M. and her mother had just come home from work. Quickly she rushed down the stairs to greed her. As always her mother received her with a bright smile and a warm hug.

''She's asleep'' Kensi commented as she saw her mother was about to ask her about Rachel. ''We went to the beach and she almost fell asleep on the walk back home'' she chuckled, one of the very few chuckles in years. Her mother nodded, still smiling and obviously happy about her daughter's happiness. She knew that life was being hard on her and she was very thankful for the few smiles that appeared on Kensi's face from time to time.

Her mother's smile vanished quickly when she saw her daughter kneeling down to search for shoes to wear.

''You're leaving?'' it was more of a statement or an accusation than a question. Kensi looked up at her, putting on her sneakers and then standing up again.

''You know I've gotta go'' she said calmly and frowned. She knew that. Why was she talking to her like that?

''Can't he wait until tonight?'' her mother began and at that moment Kensi decided to fight every single word coming out of her mother's mouth. It might seem childish but it was her life and her mother had no saying in it. ''I'm just saying, you could spend a little more time with your daughter''

It could have been that the words sounded calmer and more friendly now, to Kensi however, it was still an accusation.

''I do spend time with her!'' she raised her voice slightly, still quiet enough to not wake Rachel. ''I'm only there twice a week for the entire day. The rest of the week I change between forenoon, noon and evening. What are you accusing me of? Being a bad mother?!'' again she raised her voice and lowered it again as she noticed that she was being too loud.

''I'm just saying, she's your daughter. She needs-'' Kensi shook her head and cut her off.

''I know she is my daughter! I went through a ten hour labor! And don't you dare tell me about how a daughter needs her mother'' she finished and decided to not say another word. In fact, it wasn't necessary. Her mother was speechless because of the obvious accusation. Kensi might be aware of the truth, still somehow she seemed to blame her for the terrible things that had happened to her as an adolescent – especially her father dying.

For a long time they just stood there, next to the door, Kensi angrily glaring at her mother who was quietly looking pass her. Then the woman in front of her sighed.

''I am sorry'' her mother asserted, now looking at her, her eyes slightly teared up. ''I know what you're going through is terrible. It's just...we're all stressed out. Never any good news and I'm starting to feel so helpless because there is nothing I can do to help my daught-''

''Mom!'' Kensi finally interrupted her, now tearing up as well. ''He's waking up'' she brought out after realizing that she hadn't told her mother yet.

* * *

This time the drive to the hospital didn't take as long as every day before that. Maybe it was because of the fact that she was eager to get there. Maybe she was more relaxed and rested than ever before. Whatever the reason; she got there in only twenty minutes and considering that before it had taken her way over thirty minutes to get there, it was a progress.

More than ever before she noticed how cold people in a hospital can be to each other but at the same time how heartwarming and considering. She quickened her step as she reached the open metal doors and slipped into the elevator. Her impatience grew with every second and as she heard the annoying sound of the elevator reaching a certain floor she rushed out of it, her legs leading her mind. She smiled as she finally entered his room and saw that several machines and tubes were missing. He truly was better.

''He talked'' a familiar voice behind her whispered and Kensi turned around to see Nancy standing in the door, smiling at her.

''What'd he say?'' Kensi asked quietly, her eyes wandering over his resting body.

His chest was rising and lowering in a unfamiliar but soothing way, his lips were slightly open and his eyelids fluttered every now and then. She even believed to have seen him smirk the moment she had entered the room. The only big machine attached to his body was summing an unsettling but at the same time comforting lullaby and doing its best to monitor his vitals – his heart rate; slow but strong.

She heard Nancy step closer to her, her gaze resting at Deeks' motionless face.

''I'm not sure...'' she started an answer but interrupted herself as to think what to say next or whether to say it at all.

After a long and agonizing pause the nurse gently smiled at her ''I think he said _Rachel_''

* * *

**Hope you liked it, gonna (hopefully) upload this weekend - stay put guys...he's waking uuuuup ;)**


	6. Epiphany

**Author's note: **This chapter might disappointed you as you read at what time it is set. But please, keep in mind: every chapter is important and necessary! Really - besides I think this is a good one :)

And I really want you to start thinking about the fact that Kensi calling Rachel her 'little wonder' isn't a coincidence ;)

So enjoy, this one's called Epiphany.

* * *

**FIVE**

**e-piph-a-ny**

/i'pifənē/

_Noun_

_1. A moment of sudden understanding or revelation._

_2. To know or to be aware of something._

_3. A moment of realization – an 'ah ha' moment._

_Synonyms_

_1. Enlightenment_

_2. Revelation_

_3. Awareness_

* * *

_October 23__rd__ 2014 – 6 days before the crash – 4 years ago_

Even in the darkest nights you can still see. If there was no light you wouldn't be able to do that. So, even in the darkest nights there is light. I'm not going to say that it's the light in the end of the tunnel because the tunnel is just an illusion – the light isn't. The tunnel is the problem, the angst, the worry. But we create that tunnel ourselves. We create the illusion of a tunnel – a place where there are only two possibilities: giving up, or taking one step after the other until we reach our goals. That's how we humans work. How life works. But sometimes we panic. Sometimes the tunnel seems so dark, that even the slightest light in the night can't help you see. Sometimes it takes a miracle to realize: it wasn't as bad as it seemed.

* * *

Slowly she opened her eyes, feeling his one arm around her waist and his heart beating against her back. He snored quietly, his face covered with her loose, wavy, dark hair. A small smile brushed through her face as she felt his breath in her neck and then, slowly, his fingertips started moving along her waist, up and down.

''Morning'' his familiar voice whispered into her ear and his soft lips touched hers as she turned her face to meet his.

''Morning'' she smiled and closed her eyes for an instance. It had been almost three months. Enough time to get over it, one would think. But it was not. Whoever said that time heals all wounds was lying – big time.

Eight months ago she had been pregnant and now there was nothing but emptiness where that little human being had once been. She didn't even dare to touch her tummy.

'Hostile uterus' the doctor had said after she had lost their first child - just a few weeks into her pregnancy. She didn't remember what the doctor had said after wards. Everything, that had come after those two, murderous words was too unclear, to dull to be properly remembered. The only thing she could think about was that she would never be able to have a child. _His child._ Ever.

''Kens'' his tender voice interrupted her thoughts and she turned her face away so he couldn't see the tears running down her face. That was definitely not what he had had in mind when he had asked her to marry him a year and two months ago. After being tortured for over three days, after some really ugly fights they had had discussing where they stood and where they wanted to be. After those three weeks of leaving her and the team to get himself together – not knowing if he would ever return. But he did. And he had proposed to her the minute he had set foot into the bull pen again. With every one watching. It had been such a beautiful – perfect but simple – proposal. She had just been entering the bull pen when she noticed that there was no one but her on the ground floor and as she had looked up, she had seen everyone starring down at her from the balconies, bright smiles on their faces. Then music had started playing, the waltz, to be specific. The next thing she remembered was seeing him step in front of her, kneeling down and showing her that little black box she had always wanted to watch pop open just for her to say yes. And she had. She had said yes. And now all that had been for nothing.

No, this was not what he had had in mind. And it was not what she had wanted his life to look like. Her life. Their lives.

''I'm gonna go shower'' she proclaimed quietly, got up, walked away from the bed and into the bathroom.

''I'll make you breakfast'' she heard his voice on the other side of the door but she did not bother to answer. She didn't even know why he was still with her. Every day he reassured her that he loved her and that it didn't matter whether she could have kids or not. He was so convinced of the possibility that this 'hostile uterus' of hers could change. But she did not believe that. In fact, she had already given up every thought she had had about starting a family, having kids, feeling that first kick inside her tummy.

They hadn't been wanting a child at the time she had gotten pregnant. It had just happened. And now those two or three weeks of heaven had been transformed into a fire-breathing hell. She didn't remember the last time they had actually talked about having kids. Maybe it had been one or two months after the proposal. Of course, she was still happy. 'We can always adopt' he always tried to console her but she knew deep in her heart that that had never been part of his plan. Nor hers.

A deep nausea interrupted her thoughts as she got out of the cold shower. She knelt down next to the toilet, her hand pressing the towel – that she had quickly grabbed and wrapped herself in – to her chest. This had almost turned into a routine in the last few days. She had the feeling that the more she thought about it, the worse she felt and lately she had been thinking about it a lot. For some reason the topic 'babies' had come up between her and Nell a week ago and since then she could not stop thinking about her vicious uterus. She took one hand off the towel and pulled her hair back as she leaned over the toilet.

* * *

''Kens, you okay?'' he leaned against the bathroom door, hearing that same voice he had heard over the past few days. This time he didn't wait for her to answer, instead he rushed into the bathroom only to find his fiance – his partner, his friend – curled up next to the toilet in a constant up- and downward motion. She constantly knelt up and leaned over the toilet only to fall back into the curled up position as she noticed that there was nothing to come out of her anymore.

''Kens'' his voice was almost a whisper and his face pale as he saw how bad she was feeling.

''Can you-'' she started but at the same time her body jumped and again she was leaning over the toilet. Seconds later he was by her side, holding her hair back and gently rubbing her back.

''You can't blame yourself for this, Kens. It's not doing you any good'' he stated the obvious and helped her get up after a few minutes of sitting there in a quiet with her.

''I'm fine'' she murmured as he helped her walk back to their room and sit down on the bed. He gently rubbed her knees as he knelt down in front of her.

''I can see that'' he commented, his eyes worried, as if she was about to get shot. He put a strand of hair behind her ear and gingerly touched her face with that one hand, the other still resting on her left knee.

''We can't go on like this, babe'' he said softly, his voice was still trembling but at least his eyes seemed to have relaxed a little. ''Please, let me take you to the doctor, he can prescribe you something and maybe-'' she slowly put up her hand, placing her hand on his cheek, her thumb pressed against his lips as to shut him up.

''Alright, I'll do it. You can take me there but first, let me get dressed'' she gave him a tired but honest smile and got up to get dressed. She knew exactly that this person she was about to see was the one person she'd hoped she would never have to see again. Still, he was right – they couldn't go on like this.

* * *

_''Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.''  
__**-Lao Tzu**_

* * *

**I hope you liked this one, and that you weren't to disappointed. I know you guys are eager to keep reading about Deeks and how he wakes up - but you'll hate me anyway for the way I'm gonna wake him up so if you hate me for this or for the next one doesn't matter - just keep in mind: it's necessary...nahhhh just kidding I just LOVE seeing you guys suffer ;)**

**And thanks again, you're being AMAZING followers **


	7. Incipient

**Author's note: **I'm not sure what to write down here, today. Really this chapter is the incipient - the beginning of this fic. I know it's been 7 chapters 'til now but believe me when I tell you: this is where it all truly starts. (I'm tired - you might notice that in the way I'm writing this now)

However, let me just hand you over to this (actually beautiful - at least I like it) chapter - enjoy!

* * *

**SIX**

**in-cip-i-ent**

/in'sipēənt/

_Adjective_

_1. In an initial stage; beginning to happen or develop: ''incipient anger''_

_2. (of a person) Developing into a specified type or role: ''incipient lovers''_

_Synonyms_

_1. Incentive_

_2. Initial_

_3. Primary_

* * *

_August 2018 – 4 years after the crash_

Someone softly grabbed her hand, interrupting her memories. It took some time for her to remember that there was no one else besides her sitting next to his bed and so her heart skipped a beat the moment she realized the only possible explanation was for him to be awake. Her eyes slowly, hesitantly wandered to her hand in his, right next to his body, then they hushed to his face, only to meet the ocean blue pools she hadn't seen for over four years.

''Deeks'' it was barely a whisper, in fact she wasn't even sure if she had actually said his name out loud or just thought it. It didn't matter, he was awake. She felt her body starting to shiver and wrapped her other hand around the one she was already holding, as if to give herself more comfort, safety.

''Hey'' his voice sounded rough, tired, weak and it even broke at the end but all that did not matter. The only thing she could think about was that he was finally awake. Every day for the last 4 years she had been sitting right next to him. Four years. For four years she had hoped that each day would be the day and for four years she had feared that each day might be the day. And now the day had finally arrived. The good one.

She smiled at him, eyes floating in tears – tears of happiness. Oh, how long had she not cried of happiness anymore. She kissed his hand, his cheek, his forehead and as she looked at his face she could see the confusion rushing through his face. But soon it was gone and replaced by a soft and crooked but at the same time so familiar smile that she feared it was all just a dream. And there it was again. The butterflies, the shivers, the excitement. Like every time he had looked or smiled at her like that.

''Hey'' she then finally laughed softly, slowly sitting back up and, now brightly, smiling at him.

* * *

That smile, how it killed him. It wasn't just a smile. It was a mixture between happiness, anxiety and something else he could not identify. But that was okay. It was alright, it was good. Because he was looking at her and even though he could not say what it was she was feeling, he could see that she was happy to see him – and so was he.

''How you feeling?'' her voice broke and trembled and he was now sure that he was missing out on something – he felt fine. Nothing hurt, nothing at all. He looked around for the first time since he had opened his eyes. He found himself in a bright hospital room, tons of flowers along with old magazines, books and something he identified as candy wrapping, resting on a little wooden table. The trash next to the table was full with wrappings, paper cups and Kleenex – lots and lots of Kleenex. It looked like she had almost been living here, camping at least. The door to his room was closed but the curtains were open. He saw doctors, patients, nurses. But one nurse caught his attention immediately. She was talking to a doctor, smiling brightly. Her white teeth seemed even whiter because of her darker skin. She was short, her dark hair was put up into a bun. She looked older than she probably was. But all that wasn't what had caught his attention. It was the fact that she kept looking into his room, her smile brightening up more and more every time she did so. From the corner of his eye he could see Kensi follow his glance, and smile as the nurse smiled towards his room.

''That's Nancy'' she whispered, turning back her head to her fiance, unsure if the name had any meaning for him. It didn't. He smiled, nodded and simply assumed it was 'his' nurse.

''You've been living in here?'' he finally asked with a witty, crooked smile on his face and motioned towards the table full of trash.

''Yeah...'' her smile now brightened up the room, making him smile even more. How beautiful she was when she smiled. But even though she was smiling he knew something was still wrong. Not just wrong but completely out of place. ''How you feeling?'' this time she asked a little bit louder, with some pressure as if she needed to know he was alright.

''I'm good, Kensi'' he checked his body for any bruises, any bandages but there was no such thing. He was completely fine. He was clean, no stitches, no blood rests, no blue or violet stains decorating his body. He felt normal. Great, even. As if he had rested for a good amount of time. Whatever had happened, whatever the reason he was now tied to a hospital bed – it couldn't be that bad. But still something told him he was wrong, way out of line to think that it was all good. Some part of him screamed at him, declaring him that his body had been at war. At war with itself, and at war with something way bigger than him. But that scream was barely a whisper in the darkest corner of his mind. Nothing that seemed worth noticing or even worrying about. Why would he worry about something that wasn't there? He was alright.

He softly freed his hand from Kensi's grip and sat up, both hands trying their best to push up his body into a suitable position.

And then he noticed it. It astonished him that he hadn't noticed it before. The discovery took him by surprise, causing Kensi to jump up and ask him to breath, to stay calm. He hadn't even noticed that he had stopped breathing. He took one deep breath after the other, trying to fall back into the lying position as slowly and as softly as possible. But wouldn't it have been for Kensi and nurse Nancy, who now came running into his room, then he would have completely caved in.

''What happened?'' his voice trembled, his body shivered uncontrollably and his eyes were drown in tears he hadn't even felt coming. The look, the desperate and helpless look he gave Kensi almost made her tear up as well. This was not the way she had wanted to see his beautiful and familiar blue eyes – ever.

* * *

''Deeks'' his partner started, but he wasn't listening. Either way her voice broke and she fell silent as she noticed that she herself did not know what to say.

He took one deep breath after the other, closed his eyes for a few seconds and then, as he opened them, looked down at his body. That body lying in the same bed he was in – his body, but not his. This body wasn't what he remembered. It felt similar but it was not the same. He looked at his arms, as his legs were covered under the blanket, and found the answer to his problem as to why he had not been able to sit up. Another deep breath, one more look at that body that hardly weighted 150 pounds. This was not his body. Something was wrong, way wrong. How was it possible for him to lose over 26 pounds in such a short amount of time...but had it been a short amount of time? He started to panic now that he realized it was him who was wrong. Whatever had happened was bad. Really, really bad. He grabbed his partner's hand, bringing her closer to him. She sat back down next to him, leaning in as she grabbed his hand with both her hands trying so hard to keep him calm.

''Kens'' this time his voice was barely a whisper and she had to lean in even closer, causing her to tear up as she took it all in and finally understood what was happening. Why he was not being himself. ''Kens, what happened?''

* * *

"_When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."  
_-**Henri Nouwen**

* * *

**Hope you liked it and I hope you're still intrigued..I told you it's long from over ;)**

**love, milly **


	8. Vapor

**Author's note: **So these next two chapters will be a two-parter. Part II will be uploaded on tuesday before :)

Aaaaaand as so many of you requested, these two are a little bit longer!

I really hope you like them - I put quite some work into them..

Lets start with part I, shall we?

* * *

**SEVEN**

_Part I_

**vapor **

/'veɪpə/

_noun_

_1. A substance diffused or suspended in the air, especially one normally liquid or solid._

_2. A sudden feeling of faintness or nervousness or a state of depression._

_synonyms_

_1. haze_

_2. mist_

_3. steam_

* * *

_August 2018 – 4 years after the crash_

"Kens, what happened?" his voice broke at the end of his desperate question. He looked like a scared puppy – no, this was certainly not the way she had wanted him to react. In fact, she had never truly thought about the possibility of him not remembering a thing. The doctors had suggested for her to at least make peace with the possibility – they had talked about a 'permanent amnesia' to her a lot when he had fallen into a coma. But she had never taken it too seriously. She had always thought that something like amnesia just could happen to the weak. However, at the same time she knew how stupid and naive that assumption was.

She tried to look him in the eye but every time she did so she felt the tears shooting into her eyes and she knew she couldn't do that to him. He was the one supposed to be mad, sad or confused, terrified even. She, on the other hand, had had four years to recover. Four years to make peace with the possibility that he might never wake up. Four years to make peace with the possibility that he might never remember. Instead, she had dreamed, had hoped, had made herself believe that that would never happen. Well, hell of a lie, wasn't it?

"Mr. Deeks, this might just be a temporary amnesia. However, you were in an accident with your-" Nancy, who had stayed just in case Kensi needed help with her fiance, tried to start the explanation but Kensi's frightened glance made her stop and think about her next words for a few seconds. She smiled, slightly, just for Kensi to see, faced Deeks again and smiled a comforting and genuine smile. "You have been in an accident with your partner." she finished briefing him and sighed as she realized that he was still very confused.

"Accident? How can that be?" he asked, his voice slightly rising with every word. He was upset.

"Deeks-" she started but he cut her off, shaking his head and motioning at his body.

"I have no bruises. No stains. Nothing. At the same time I've lost lots of weight. How can that come from an accident? I'm not chained to any big machines, I don't feel any pain. Maybe just a little headache.." he continued to look upset, his voice on the other hand started turning and soon sounded more insecure and scared than just upset.

"Probably from your concussion." the nurse started again and continued quickly before he could cut her off. "Listen, Mr. Deeks, I know this is extremely upsetting and very, very confusing. We will brief you as soon as the doctors make sure that you are stable and physically sane."

"Physically sane? Are you saying I might be psychologically sick?" he interrupted her, now more angry than frightened. "Insane?"

"No" the nurse replied, determined. "But you might have a concussion and you're clearly suffering from amnesia. As long as the doctors can't tell me for sure that you are physically capable of taking what your partner and I are supposed to tell you, we won't tell you anything but that you two had an accident and that it put you in a coma." she finished, taking his medical chart and walking out the room.

Kensi had never seen her so cold and determined. Still, there had been something motherly about her when she had lectured her partner. However, Nancy was different. Kensi was sure that the nurse hadn't counted on him not remembering a thing. In fact, she was sure that Nancy was just as upset and disappointed as she herself.

"Coma?" his voice trembled and as she turned her face to meet his glance she could see the angst in his eyes. The terrified look and she realized that keeping the truth from him was barbaric. But she wasn't allowed to make that call. Any way of stress or anything, that would make his heart rate go up, could make him unstable. Or worse, it could put him right back into that endless sleep.

* * *

"He's all yours" he heard the doctor whisper to his partner. Both were standing in the door step. He was tired and his eyes begged him to be closed, his body eager to rest. It felt like he had run a marathon. But he didn't care. He forced himself to stay awake. A quick look out the window let him know that it was already very late. The sky was dark as a raven's plumage and the handful of nurses and doctors running through the corridor in front of his room also indicated him that it had to be very late or at least sometime around midnight.

He kept looking at his partner talking to the doctor, now their voices had found a volume which made it very difficult for him to understand the meaning of the words leaving their mouths. But Kensi looked tired, she was pale and had dark circles under her eyes. The very messy, low ponytail, she had put her hair into earlier, was falling apart and the sleeves of the sweater she was wearing looked worn out from her permanent plucking. She seemed nervous but at the same time relieved. He was prepared to call it the night so that both of them could rest. For some reason the day, the afternoon to be precise, had been very exhausting and nerve-racking. In fact, he decided to call it the night.

A movement by the door interrupted his thoughts. The doctor was just leaving the room and Kensi was closing the door and curtains – getting ready for the night, probably. Nancy had already checked him for the last time before be and he was all set. They had truly been wanting to talk and as Kensi turned to him and approached his bed he could see in her eyes that she wanted to tell him everything that had happened but at the same time he could see her struggling with herself. Not only to keep herself awake because, like him, she was tired and exhausted. No, not just because of that but also because she probably wasn't sure how he would react.

He gave her a crooked but honest smile as she crunched by his bed and pulled out a mattress from underneath it. A blanket and a tiny pillow were already lying above it. He was unsure what to think. She truly had been sleeping here but there was something wrong with that. Something about her not being somewhere she should be. This wasn't were she was supposed to be at night, was it? Wasn't there something, someone, more important than him?

He shook of the thoughts that made him feel so insecure about his current situation and instead focused on his partner who was now sitting down next to him on the bed. He remembered how she had been holding his hand when he had woken up but since then she hadn't touched him again. He remembered her kissing his hand, his forehead – but that she had not done again, either. It confused him but at the same time the fact that she had kissed his forehead confused him as well.

* * *

"How are you feeling?" she asked for the hundred time in the last two hours. She didn't look at him, she wouldn't have known where to look at either way. She couldn't look at his lips, since he didn't remember a thing. She couldn't look into his eyes, since they reminded her of him and her and of their little daughter...the one he didn't remember. Besides, it seemed wrong to look him in the eye – too intimate. Instead she focused on her hands plucking the sleeves of her sweater. She felt insecure and couldn't explain why. It was still him. And even if he didn't remember their life as a couple, he still recognized her. They were still partners. No need to be insecure or uncomfortable. Still she couldn't help it.

"I'm good, Kensi" he assured her and she could see a tiny spark in his eyes. It left as quickly as it had appeared and for a second she wasn't even sure she had truly seen it. Maybe she was hallucinating. Maybe it was just her mind trying to find a silver lining in this pitch black night.

She was just about to reply something when her cell started ringing. She quickly stood up, fishing the small device out of her pocket. The caller ID let her heart skip a beat – home. She hadn't checked in in hours. They were probably wondering when she was coming home but at the same time she couldn't help but expect the worst.

"I've gotta take this" she quickly stated, walked a few steps towards the door but stayed inside the room. "Hello?" her voice was trembling and she hoped neither the caller nor Deeks would notice it.

"Mummy?" her little girl's voice, so soft and familiar, relaxed her and she sighed as she noticed that there was nothing bad going on.

"Rachie" she replied, it was more of a relieved sigh than a statement.

"Mummy, when you coming home?" she heard her little girl whisper and a quick look at the watch let her know why. It was way over midnight and her mother was probably already asleep. Rachel was smart enough not to wake her grandma if it was no emergency.

"I'll stay here over night, honey. Remember, how I told you today that I'd be home in the morning to make you breakfast?" she quietly asked to prevent Deeks from listening in. There was no response so she assumed her daughter was nodding, like she did so many times. She still forgot sometimes that you can't see through a phone.

"I'll be back when you wake up, sweetie" she promised and intended to keep this one.

"'Kay. Love you, mummy" a quick and tired smile rushed through Kensi's face and she had to hold back the tears.

"Love you, too" she whispered back and just a few seconds later she hung up.

* * *

He hadn't heard much of the conversation but he assumed she had been talking to her mother or a friend. However, it was none of his business. The look, on the other hand, which she gave him when she came back to sit next to him again, did bother him.

"What's the last thing you remember?" she asked, recalling the spark in his eyes as he had told her he was 'good'.

"What do you mean, Kensi?" he was confused again, struggling with his own body to stay awake. The same struggle he could see in his partner's face.

"What's the last thing you remember? What's the last thing you remember doing before waking up in this hospital bed today?" she asked after taking a deep breath and then holding it as she waited for him to answer.

* * *

**Hope you liked this one. As I told you, next one will be uploaded in tuesday. The week of the 28th I'll be on holidays which hopefully will allow me to upload 2-3 times and also prepare some chaps for when school starts again!**

**Well, see you on tuesday - have a nice start into the week!**


	9. Haze

**Author's note: **I know I said I'd upload it on Tuesday and it was ready by then I just had a lot to study because I had a pretty long and important exam today, so I kind of had to pass on it. But I'm uploading it now and I will upload in Friday/Saturday again.

Next week I'm on vacation so hopefully, as I already told you, I will be able to upload more often (if my motivation doesn't go to hell)

However, this is the second part of the two-parter; Haze.

* * *

**EIGHT**

_Part II_

**haze**

/heɪz/

_noun_

_1. A slight obscuration of the lower atmosphere, typically cause by fine suspended particles._

_2. A state of mental confusion._

_synonyms_

_1. blur_

_2. confusion_

_3. cloud_

* * *

August 2018 – 4 years after the crash

"What's the last thing you remember? What's the last thing you remember doing before waking up in this hospital bed today?" her voice trembled as she asked him such a simple question and he could see her hold her breath as if she was afraid of what he might say. But he couldn't change anything about it now. Or ever. He remembered what he remembered and that was it. Now, if that was what she wanted to hear or not was a different question. But the simple fact of watching her fall apart in front of his eyes as she started realizing that he might not remember as much as she'd like him to, almost killed him.

He felt like he remembered enough. Like he remembered everything there was to remember. He frowned at her, offering her his hand but instead she started plucking on her sleeves again, not looking at him at all. He knew she was hoping for the best, but expecting the worse.

"Really? Not much." he started and continued quickly as he saw the angst in her eyes. "Not much of the accident. About work..well I know we are partners, Fern." he grinned and reached his goal: she smiled.

"Shut up" she replied playful, but soon after she got back to being serious. "Honestly, Deeks, what's the last case you remember?" she asked again, this time her voice sounded more confident. Probably, because he remembered her as his partner. His friend.

"Honestly? It's all very vague but I remember your father's case." he started and silenced himself to see how she'd react. How far away from the real 'now' was he? But she simply nodded, not showing off happiness or disappointment. She seemed, however, be waiting for him to continue, to say something more genuine. "After that, it's all just dark. The next thing I remember though, is a house. I-" he interrupted himself, again. This time frowning at his own memories. How could he remember such thing?

He looked up to see something he slightly identified as hope in her eyes. Were his memories truly genuine? Or had the concussion been so bad that he now was making up things? Making up stories which never really happened? He decided to turn off his mind for some time. He felt tired and exhausted and for some reason, even though he had been in a coma, he felt like he had been wide awake for over forty eight hours.

"I-" he started, searching for the right words to continue with. "I'm tired. I think my mind isn't clear enough, yet. Maybe, maybe we can talk about this tomorrow?" he asked carefully and smiled softly.

He saw her frown but she replied the smile and nodded slowly. "Sure" she got up and curled up on the mattress next to his bed, her face turned away from him.

He lay awake for what to him felt like hours. The image of her face just wouldn't leave his inner eye. She had seemed so scared and insecure. The last time he had seen her like that, was when they had been working on her father's case. But even back then she had been more angry than scared. He had truly never seen her scared. And now she was. Because of him. That was the main reason why he could not sleep. No matter how many times he turned around, no matter how many times he tried to stop thinking and simply rest – his mind resisted and so did his heart. Something about his current situation was wrong and he knew he had to make her talk to him. Make her tell him the truth. But first she would want to know what the real last thing he remembered was. And that memory seemed so wrong and so right at the same time that he wasn't sure if it was real or just a dream. That was why he couldn't sleep. He kept forcing himself to jump into the darkness and to find the lost memories. But something in him prevented him from finding them. Finding himself. The way she had looked at him earlier hadn't been the way he was used to. It was different, new. More intimate. He was missing out on something. Something big and it made his heart ache and it made his mind convince him that he had given up. But he hadn't.

* * *

He didn't remember when he had finally lost consciousness and fallen asleep. The only thing he remembered was that he had never slept as restless and uneasy as that night. He tried to sit up, tried to adjust his eyes to the now very bright room. The curtains were pulled back, the sun was shining right into his face and preventing him from properly looking at the mattress next to his bed.

"Kens?" his voice was barely a whisper so he cleared his throat and tried it again and this time it was loud enough for the nurse outside his room to hear it. He saw her enter the room and close the curtains of the window, which was blinding him. It didn't just help his eyes adjust to the light but it also exposed the empty mattress to him.

"She had to go earlier today. She asked me to make sure you were okay and to tell you that she'll be back by lunch time." he heard Nancy say, her voice as motherly and soft as no other he had ever heard.

He nodded and watched her take his blood and check his heart rate whilst she started talking about the weather and the nurses and doctors – small talk. But Deeks wasn't listening.

She had to go? Where? Was there a case? He was probably being to obsessive about her whereabouts but something in him was scared something might have happened. Something in him told him that if something had happened he had to be informed as well. Oh, how he hated it to be chained to a bed.

"What time is it, now?" he asked quickly as he saw the nurse attempting to leave the room.

"Ten o'clock in the morning, Mr. Deeks. She left two hours ago. I suppose she won't be back in another two or three hours." Nancy stated but smiled again. "I'll get you something to eat."

He nodded and watched her step out the room, her pace quicker than her height let expect.

"Thanks" he murmured and leaned back again, closing his eyes just to quickly open them again as her image popped up in front of his inner eye, forcing his mind to start looking for the lost memories again.

* * *

Trying to not make any noise, she walked out of the room and closed the wooden door with the drawings hung up on it. Then, quickly, she made her way down the stairs, through the kitchen and out into the garden.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining at its best and, even though it was barely eleven o'clock in the morning, it was already a very warm day. She smiled at the older woman who was already sitting at a little garden table and had just looked up from a book as she had heard Kensi walk towards her.

"Got you coffee" her mother said and motioned at the two cups next to her book, which now she closed and pushed aside. "Took you quite some time to make her fall asleep. Despite the fact that she almost stayed awake all night long.." her mother stated, but Kensi knew she felt horrible for not being able to make her own granddaughter fall asleep the night before.

"Yeah, she wanted me to tell her a lot of tales" Kensi laughed and took the cup she was being offered.

For a long time the two women just sat there, drinking their coffee and enjoying the warm kisses from the gentle sun. But after some time she could feel her mother's gaze resting on her and as she turned to face her she caught herself smiling at her mother. She hadn't told her mother yet but she knew anyway. Of that Kensi was sure. That wise woman in front of her was simply polite enough to let her daughter initiate the conversation. She was ready, whenever Kensi was.

The younger woman took another sip, a deep breath and put on her most beautiful smile in years.

"He woke up,...yesterday." she started, taking another sip and looking into the garden without really focusing anything specific.

From the corner of her eye she could see her mother smile and open her mouth to say something but then close it again. What could she have possibly answered? 'That's great'? It would've sounded sarcastic.

"The doctors say he will be discharged in a few days if he keeps improving and if he doesn't have a relapse." she continued and now looked at her mother who, again, was smiling and Kensi was certain that there was a sign of pride in her eyes.

"So, he could be back with you in just a few days?" her mother asked full of hope and her eyes lightened up.

"Well.." Kensi started but silenced herself as her mother seemed to realize that it wasn't that simple. That there might be complications. "It's not that easy, mum" she finished, her voice, which was barely a whisper, breaking at the end. Again, she looked away into the garden, searching for something to focus her glance on.

"He doesn't remember, does he?" she heard her mother assume after a long time of silence and that simply gave her the rest.

With shaking hands she placed her cup on the table, curled up in the chair she was sitting in and let the tears run down her face in a quiet.

"Oh, Kensi" she heard her mother stand up from her chair and the next thing she knew Julia was crunching down next to her, holding her hands, Kensi's face on her shoulder. "It's gonna be alright, sweetheart." she tried to console her daughter. And herself.

The doctors had told them that there was a very high probability that he would suffer from amnesia once he woke up. But none of them had truly believed it. Kensi, because she had been convinced that only happened to the weakest. Julia, because she hadn't wanted to see her little family go through more than they had already gone through.

"Shhhhh" she made in an attempt to make her daughter stop crying but it only got worse.

What had he always told Kensi, when she was upset or frightened? Good. "It's gonna be all good"

* * *

"Young girl with a broken heart walking home alone  
Teardrops made of Maybelline on a goodbye note  
And looking down at the shadows on the ground, she almost didn't see  
A blue eyed man with a flower in his hand  
Walking right out of her dreams" - lyrics from the song "Lost And Found" by "Rocket To The Moon"

* * *

**First: go listen to that song, it's beautiful **

**Second: thanks for still be reading this. Every time I upload I beg to god I'm not disappointing you - really, thanks**

**love, milly**


	10. Velvet

**Author's note: **So to be honest I've been postponing this chapter for about two chapters now. This was actually supposed to be chapter 7 but since the last few chapters have been about Deeks waking up I thought I couldn't just jump back to the past and leave you with knowing that he was waking up and that's it.

So now that he's awake and Kensi's hit an emotional low I thought it was the right time to get back to their past for one chapter - before I give you one of my favorites chapter (up until now - which will be next week's chapter 10)

So enjoy this little one, love milly

* * *

**NINE**

**vel-vet**

/'velvət/

_Noun_

_1. A closely woven fabric of silk, cotton, or nylon that has a thick pile on one side._

_2. A pleasant, desirable situation._

_3. A soft downy skin that covers a deer's antler while it is growing._

* * *

_Excerpt from chapter 5:_

_''Please, let me take you to the doctor, he can prescribe you something and maybe-'' she slowly put up her hand, placing her hand on his cheek, her thumb pressed against his lips as to shut him up._

_''Alright, I'll do it. You can take me there but first, let me get dressed'' she gave him a tired but honest smile and got up to get dressed. She knew exactly that this person she was about to see was the one person she'd hoped she would never have to see again. Still, he was right – they couldn't go on like this._

* * *

October 23rd 2014 – 6 days before the crash – 4 years ago

When they arrived at the clinic, there was no one in the waiting room. The only person they could see was a young, blonde receptionist who was chewing gum and looked very bored. After all, it was Saturday and it was early in the morning – barely 8 AM.

''Ms. Blye'' a familiar and unwanted voice called her name. Kensi turned around to meet her doctor, who had told her that she'd never be able to conceive a child.

''Mr. Deeks, good morning. What brings you two here?'' his voice sounded tired but he seemed eager to know the cause of their visit.

''You told us to come by if the pain didn't stop'' Deeks started and Kensi cut him off.

''It's not really that kind of pain..it's more like a morning sickness'' she added, not looking at her doctor. Possibly another miscarriage she didn't want to know about.

''Well, lets go take a look'' the doctor said, his dark blue, almost gray eyes smiling at them as he motioned them the way to the examination room.

''Please lie down over there, I'll get your file and then we can start. You remember how this goes, don't you?'' Kensi nodded silently and the doctor closed the door behind him as he left the room.

''We'll be good – you'll be good'' Deeks tried to comfort her whilst she prepared to lie down.

A few minutes later the doctor came back in and started an ultrasound but Kensi could not look at it.

She squeezed her fiance's hand as hard as she could and she could see he was concentrating on not showing how hard she was actually squeezing. Instead he quietly looked at her whilst the doctor did his work.

''Well..'' the doctor finally started but Deeks' phone cut him off.

''I'm so, so sorry'' he excused himself, looking at his phone – his look showing Kensi that something was wrong. ''Ehm..'' he started but silenced himself, looking at Kensi.

''Take it, we'll wait'' she nodded, still not looking at what the ultrasound showed.

''It'll be just a minute'' he assured her and the doctor nodded patiently.

''We will wait, Mr. Deeks. There is no hurry, really'' he softly smiled at the concerned fiance as he left the room to take his call.

* * *

''Callen, what is it?'' he answered the phone impatiently. His mind wandering off to Kensi in the room he had just left.

''I'm sorry, I hope I haven't interrupted anything'' his colleague started. ''But we've got a case – Hetty wants you in OPS asap.'' he finished quickly and waited for Deeks to answer.

''Can't-'' Marty sighed and took a deep breath. ''Can't it wait? We're in the middle of something here'' he stated and quickly added a ''Kensi didn't feel that good and we had to go to the doctor'' so that Callen wouldn't misunderstand him.

''She alright?'' G. seemed worried and for a second he seemed to have forgotten that he was supposed to make them come in.

''Yes, yeah she's good'' Deeks frowned as he realized he actually didn't know. ''Listen, I'll be right there, just – tell Hetty Kensi's not gonna come in today, alright?''

He heard a quick ''sure'' and then they hung up. He put the phone back into his pocket, turned around and stepped back into the room, hoping that what he had told Callen was true.

* * *

The way Kensi looked at him when he re-entered the room let him know that she hadn't looked at the ultrasound yet. Instead she seemed eager to know what his call had been about.

"Is everything alright?" she quickly asked as soon as he was standing next to her again, taking her hand in his.

"Yeah – we've got a case, actually" he started and looked at her. "I told them that I'd be there in a while but that you were going to take the day off" he interrupted himself as he saw her frown and then quickly added a "If you don't feel like working" so she wouldn't feel like he was making the decisions on her behalf.

"I'd actually love to go to work today" she stated and sounded a little upset. "But maybe we should hear the doctor out before we plan our day?" she suggested and he nodded carefully.

They both turned to look at the doctor and were confused to see him smile.

"Would you please listen?" the doctor demanded and performed the ultrasound a second time.

Whatever the reason why they hadn't heard it before – now they did.

"What's that?" Deeks asked, his voice barely a whisper; like a child who had been asked to remain silent but needed to know what was happening either way.

"Listen" the doctor repeated and smiled as he saw them look at the ultrasound and actually listen to what they were hearing.

"Is that-?" Kensi started but silenced herself, squeezing her partner's hand.

"A heartbeat?" Deeks finished the question and looked at the doctor.

"Two – actually" he stated and stopped the ultrasound – freezing the picture on the monitor. "One, Miss Blye, is yours. The other, however, is your child's heartbeat" he announced proudly and printed the image.

"Child?" it sounded like a duo of voices in disbelief.

"You said I can't have any children" Kensi's voice sounded like she was blaming the doctor and to some degree she was.

"Sometimes that can change. It is possible that it was some sort of 'phase'" the doctor started to explain without letting her tone get to him. "Sometimes the body is in distress and shows symptoms of a hostile uterus. Sometimes it has hormonal causes. Whichever the reason, you're pregnant, Miss Blye"

Whatever she had felt before, no matter how much she blamed the doctor, she was grateful for his words. Pregnant.

"How long has it been?" Deeks asked, his eyes fixed on the image of an already perfectly formed body – not bigger than the size of an almond.

"Eight weeks" the answer came but Deeks wasn't listening. The only thing he could do was look at their little miracle and thank god that this had happened. It wasn't like he wouldn't have been able to live his life to the fullest without a child, however it was affecting his relationship with Kensi in a negative way. But now their luck had changed and no matter what happened next – nothing would ever change that.

* * *

_"Well, sometimes you don't know how lucky you are to have something until you realize you might lose it"__** - Kensi Blye**_


	11. Reminiscence

**Author's note: **Thank you guys for being such amazing followers and for all the nice and motivating reviews :)

Here's a little heart-to-heart between two characters which I believe to have a beautiful relationship.

I hope you enjoy and I'll try to upload again tomorrow, but I can't promise you anything.

However, here you go.

* * *

**TEN**

**reminiscence**

rɛmɪˈnɪs(ə)ns/

_noun_

_1. a story told about a past event remembered by the narrator._

_"his reminiscences of his early days in Parliament"_

_2. a characteristic of one thing that is suggestive of another._

_"his first works are too full of reminiscences of earlier poetry"_

_synonym_

_1. recollections_

_2. memories_

_3. reflections_

* * *

_Excerpt from 'Haze'_

_"__She had to go earlier today. She asked me to make sure you were okay and to tell you that she'll be back by lunch time." he heard Nancy say, her voice as motherly and soft as no other he had ever heard. _

_He nodded and watched her take his blood and check his heart rate whilst she started talking about the weather and the nurses and doctors – small talk. But Deeks wasn't listening. _

_She had to go? Where?_

_The doctors had told them that there was a very high probability that he would suffer from amnesia once he woke up. But none of them had truly believed it. Kensi, because she had been convinced that only happened to the weakest. Julia, because she hadn't wanted to see her little family go through more than they had already gone through._

_"__Shhhhh" she made in an attempt to make her daughter stop crying but it only got worse._

_What had he always told Kensi, when she was upset or frightened? Good. "It's gonna be all good"_

* * *

_August 2018 – 4 years after the crash_

The sun was already colliding with the horizon when she noticed him move next to her. Curiously she got up from her seat and walked over to his bed.

"How are you feeling?" her familiar voice filled the room and she noticed him take a deep breath.

"Hetty?" it was more of a sighed statement than a question. "Did something happen?" suddenly he sat up and looked at her with his worried blue puppy eyes. "Is Kensi alright?"

"Relax, Mr. Deeks. She is just fine. She went to get a coffee from the cafeteria. Nell is with her." she consoled the worried man and watched him relax and fall back into the pillows. She frowned at him.

"I take it you haven't talked to Kensi much about me yet, have you?" he concluded. Judging from the way she was being around him she was obviously expecting him to be – well different.

"No" she started, sitting down next to his bed. "No, I have not. In fact, I have not talked to Miss Blye at all, since you woke up".

Again the older woman frowned and he felt like this talk would be just a heartbreaking to her as it had been to his partner.

"Well, maybe you should" he tried to smile but he could not even force one to appear on his face. He knew that for some reason it was way more serious than it seemed to be and he despised his mind for not allowing him to know what was really happening.

"Is there something I should now, Mr. Deeks?" now there was even some angst in her voice – or at least that was what it seemed like to Deeks. Maybe she was simply worried and his mind was playing with him, again.

"I'm not sure" he started and now it was him who was scared. In fact he had been scared all along, only now he showed it. "I don't know what's going on, Hetty" he wailed and his eyes teared up. "I have no idea what the hell is going on. Kensi acts like everything is alright but at the same time I know that she is hiding something from me. She keeps asking me what the last thing I remember is and I just can't seem to please her with my answers...I-" he had to silence himself in order to not burst out into tears. He hadn't want anyone to see him like this but he just didn't know how to feel, how to act.

"Well,...what is the last thing you remember?" Hetty finally asked after allowing him to pull himself back together.

"I'm not sure" he looked at her, his eyes still wet, his jaw tense and his hands clenched into fists. "I thought it was the time when we were investigating Donald Blye's murder but-" Hetty's deep sigh interrupted his memories.

"What?" he asked, this time he could hear his own voice's echo through the room – full of anxiety and impatience.

"Oh, Bugger" he heard her whisper and, on the contrary to Kensi, she was making him realize how far away from 'now' his memories were.

"Hetty, honestly – how long exactly have I been in a coma?" he finally asked but he could see in her eyes that she was not going to answer his question so easily.

"First, what is the last thing you truly remember, Mr. Deeks?" for the first time in his life Deeks caught Hetty trying to avoid eye contact. He frowned but at the same time it made the whole situation seem even more serious, and more vulnerable than he had imagined.

"I-, I believe it's a case Kensi and I worked on. I think we were...house sitting? The last thing I remember is falling asleep next to Kensi in that house it's just-" he shook his head and stopped himself for a minute.

"It's just what, Mr. Deeks?" Hetty finally looked at him again and this time her eyes weren't asking, they were demanding.

"In one moment it's a big room, bright with white big pillows on the bed and Kensi about an arms length away and then...the next moment it's another room, not so big but still bright. Blue pillows and-" he swallowed and then looked into Hetty's eyes. "And Kensi's cuddling up to me, I'm not wearing a shirt anymore and she's just, just in underwear."

He could see Hetty nod and he knew that something about what he had just told her was 'right'. "Well,.." the woman said, more to herself than to him.

"Hetty, what does that mean?" he asked quietly, not so sure if he truly wanted to know. If they had been happy and he now had forgotten everything – why would he want to know what had been and isn't anymore?

"How is your heart, Marty?" Hetty now sounded even more familiar to him than ever before.

"My heart?" he seemed confused but took a look at his heart rate, anyways. "Good, I think"

She shook her head and he knew that this time the answer had been wrong.

"What do you feel?" the question came with caution and he felt like walking on thin ice that was about to crack.

"About Kensi?" he asked as cautious as she had asked and Hetty nodded. "She's my partner" he stated and felt forced to continue as she kept staring at him. "I like her, a lot"

"Do you love her?" to Deeks the question came unexpected and he did not know how to react or even answer it.

"Maybe, I don't know. I mean, I like her. She's beautiful and funny and smart, but I couldn't tell you whether I love her or not – I mean it's been barely two years and I know we see each other every day but-"

"Eight" she interrupted him and made him shut up completely for at least another ten minutes in which they just sat there, not even looking at each other.

That he had to let sink in first. Eight. That could have meant anything but he did not need to ask in order to understand what it really meant.

He was sure it took him way more than ten simple minutes to talk again but the clock on the wall said otherwise. The sun, at least, was already halfway gone and the darkness was painting shadows on each building.

"Eight years?" he asked, barely whispering.

"I am afraid so" Hetty cautiously replied and reached out for his hand. "You will get through this, Martin. We all will. You have a family with NCIS and with-" she shook her head and tried again. "We are all here for you, this is not a battle you are going to fight on your own" she put all of her heart into every single word and he knew she was promising him all he needed at that moment – support.

"Thank you" he finally smiled a quiet but not a forced smile and slightly squeezed her small hand. "Thank you, Hetty"

* * *

_"__I'm going to be with you every step of the way. Even if you don't see me, I'll be there." __**- Marty Deeks**_


	12. Recollection

**Author's note: **I know, I know, I know. I wanted to update earlier but this week has been very busy even though I'm have holidays rn :/ However, here you go and I hope you like it!

*shoutout to _**Katha**_* (secretxlittlexdarling)

love, milly

* * *

**ELEVEN**

**recollection**

ˌrɛkəˈlɛkʃ(ə)n/

_noun_

_the action or faculty of remembering or recollecting something._

_synonyms_

_memory_

_remembrances_

_reminiscence_

* * *

"I've known Kensi for eight years?" he asked, trying to let it sink in, trying to remember the years he didn't remember.

"Yes" Hetty reassured him but still it seemed so far off to him. Eight years. No way.

"What happened in the last six years?" he finally asked and literally watched her pull away. "Hetty?"

"This is not my conversation to have, Mr. Deeks" she honestly answered and then took his hand again. "Trust me, you don't want to hear your memories be told by someone, who hasn't lived through all of them with you."she gave him a simple smile and he knew she was right.

"Kensi" he stated and sighed. She seemed to be the missing variable to the equation.

"Yes" Hetty nodded and in her eyes Deeks saw something he could not really identify. Not a feeling, something else.

"What aren't you telling me Hetty? It is Kensi you're talking about, isn't it?" Deeks looked at her confused and with a bit of mistrust.

"As I told you, it is not me who is supposed to fill in the gaps, Martin." she sighed and then looked to the ground, hiding her face from him, knowing that he had seen the truth – she was hiding something important.

He was just about to ask further questions about those six years he had no memories of, when Kensi entered the room, Nell by her side.

"Hey" Deeks smiled at her, now more open but even more insecure at the same time. How was he supposed to handle...well knowing that they had-, had something, which he didn't remember. He realized that the whole situation was more cruel towards Kensi than towards himself. At the end, she was the one who still remembered every second of the past six years together of which he had no recollection.

"You're awake" Nell stated and smiled at her colleague.

"I would've brought you something to eat, if I had known you were-" she silenced herself as he gently nodded and then gave her a crooked smile.

"It's alright, Kens. I'm not hungry, really" he assured her and then looked at Hetty, who was picking up her things and about to leave. "Thank you" he repeated for the third time and the old woman smiled genuinely.

He watched her and Nell leave the room, leaving him behind with Kensi, who to him was his friend and partner but who really was so much more.

"What did you guys talk about?" Kensi asked, smiling, after closing the door and taking a seat next to his bed.

"The situation" he said honestly and surprised himself. He had not expected himself to actually really tell her the content of their conversation but it seemed liked his brain had another plan. "Everything"

"Oh" she quietly brought out and then tried to smile again. "Did you make any progress?"

"Kind of" he quietly said, not sure how to continue his sentence. "Kensi, I-" he shook his head and looked down, afraid that she would see what he wanted to tell her – and not like it.

"Deeks" she started, her voice almost forcing him to look at her. Their eyes met and a kind of dizziness overcame him. A memory climbed from the deepest whole of his mind and made it's way to his inner eye – the first time he had seen her. The moment their eyes had locked, at that gym eight years ago, and he had tried to stay in character, which had been awfully difficult looking at such an beautiful and stunning woman.

Gently he shook his head and smiled unconsciously.

"You can tell me anything" she assured him and smiled as well.

"I know" he stated quietly and then nodded.

"Deeks" she repeated, her voice as soft as a lullaby. "Please, talk to me" she sounded desperate and in that moment he knew he had been right; it wasn't as worse for anyone as it was to Kensi.

"Hetty helped me remember the last thing I can recall..well turns out it's a difficult memory. Two, to be honest. It's a similar moment but in two different places." he started, still insecure as to how much to reveal.

"She told me that we've met eight years ago, Kens" he stated cautiously as she didn't reply.

"How-" she started, shaking her head and then licking her lips. "How long ago did you think we met?" she asked after taking a deep breath.

"Kens, I-" he started but the moment he did, he knew that there was no need for an excuse. "Two years, I thought we met two years ago" he mumbled and as he looked at her he could see the single tear running down her face before she, roughly, brushed it away. Looking up, as to prevent the tears from running, she sighed and tried to pull herself together.

"I'm so, so sorry, Kensi" he wasn't sure what to say and he felt awful and useless. How was it that they had had something, together, and now he was unable to console her?

For a long time they didn't say a word. He simply looked at her and she simply kept her eyes shut as if that would keep the tears away. Gently, he touched her hand, which was lying on his blanket and, as she didn't react, he softly took her hand into his, slightly squeezing it. She sighed again but this time it sounded like a sigh of relief.

How was it that he had known her for eight years now, but only remembered two? He recalled a talk he had had with his doctor earlier that day, in which he had told Deeks that sometimes the mind blocks our memories to keep us away from bad experiences, such as pain, hurt or trauma. He tried to search for any of it in the darkest corners of his mind but he couldn't seem to find them. What he found weirder, though, was that not only his memories were gone but, obviously, so were the feelings he had had for Kensi. The way Hetty had asked him...as if he had deeply loved her before. He did like her, maybe a little to much, but he didn't recall telling her. Still it would be a good explanation for their sudden intimacy, the familiarity and Hetty's questions. And the memory of them lying next to each other in bed.

If he already liked her that much now, then he surely had truly loved her before the accident. How was it that he didn't remember that?

"I-" he started, trying to decide whether what he was about to say would make her feel better or worse. She opened her eyes, looked at him and slightly smiled. A beautiful smile and he could feel a part of him fall for her. Maybe for the first time, or maybe, just maybe, again but this time he decided to hold on to that feeling – no matter what. "You asked me what the last thing I remembered was." he reminded her of her question and she nodded slowly.

"Yeah" her voice trembled slightly and broke at the end but still she managed it to smile a little bit brighter. "Do you remember, now?"

He nodded and looked at their hands clasped together. "I do" he frowned but was decided to tell her – everything and not only the version he had told Hetty.

"Well the memories are pretty messed up but...first thing I remember is a case we had about – six years ago?" it was weird to say that but he had to get used to it. "We were house sitting – at least that was our cover story, I believe. I don't remember what our assignment was though-"

"Sleeper agent" she interrupted him quietly and then pressed her lips together. "Go on" she whispered and smiled poorly.

"Right. Well, I remember going to bed together – well I remember lying in the same bed, about an arms length apart? Next thing I remember is being in a different room, standing next to a different bed. I remember you; your hair was down, you were wearing a blue dress, and we,..we kissed. And-" he frowned and unconsciously smiled at the memory and that was the moment she realized; there was hope. She remembered that night because she hadn't worn that blue dress ever since. It had been the night of their housewarming party. Two weeks before the accident.

"What?" he asked, finally allowed to feel good because the memory obviously seemed to have pleased her. "That good, right?"

"Yes" she smiled, squeezing his hand. "But-" she shook her head, not allowing herself to forget the current situation.

Softly she released her hand from his grip and leaned back and away from him.

Yes, he remembered but he wasn't the same man. She didn't know if he would ever be 'her' Deeks again. Yes, he remembered that night and maybe that was a good sign but the way he looked at her – she knew he wasn't as awfully in love with her as he had been four years ago. He was her Deeks from the outside but was he from the inside? And if he wasn't – could he be again?

"I think I need some rest, I'm tired" she suddenly stated catching him off guard but she wasn't looking at him. "I-" she looked at the mattress next to his bed. "I'll be back tomorrow" she brought out, her voice breaking at the end.

"Kens" it was barely a whisper and something in him broke and hurt and screamed as she stood up and left the room.

He knew she was hurt and it was hard for her as it was hard for him but he started to believe that he hadn't just simply loved or liked her very much but more. Maybe it had even been more than he had ever imagined and in that moment he hated himself. He hated his brain for not remembering. He hated his arms, his hands for not being able to console her and he hated his legs for not being strong enough to run after her. But more than anything he hated his heart for not remembering her. Don't the say that the heart never forgets one's true love? But then again, maybe that breaking, hurting and screaming thing was his heart – trying not to forget.

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**Hope you enjoyed this one as well - gonna try and update as soon as possible ;)**


	13. Progression

**Author's note: **Hey, so this is actually the first time I have actually incorporated a suggestion into my fanfics. Possibly because this is my first multi-chap fic after a long pause, however, I couldn't write it all as detailed as I had wanted to (has to do with how far I want to take this story to the next level which will hopefully happen in the next two to three chapters)

I know that at first, this chapter might seem like a disappointment to some of you, however, I want you to know that I wanted to write it this way, just so I can build up on this more easily - one step at a time.

But I'm confusing you, since you haven't read it through just yet, here you go - enjoy!

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**TWELVE**

**progression**

prəˈgrɛʃ(ə)n/

_noun_

_1. The process of developing gradually towards a more advanced state._

_2. Movement towards a destination_

_synonyms_

_1. development_

_2. continuance_

_3. forward movement_

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_Three weeks later – September 2018 – 4 years after the crash_

She rushed down the stairs, almost missing the last step. Quickly her hands searched for the bailister and she breathed out heavily as she stood again.

"Honey, are you alright? You seem stressed" her mother was just walking towards the stairs as she saw Kensi stand there; a pink, tiny, princess bag in her one hand and her own purse in the other.

"We're late" she started and rushed through the living room and into the kitchen. "And Rachel isn't even dressed yet" she turned around and grabbed the coffee pot, burning herself as she did so. "Damn it" she uttered and almost let the pot fall.

"Let me do that" her mother decided and didn't give her a chance to protest. Instead Kensi started making her daughter breakfast, feeling her mother's glance on her.

"What?" she finally asked as she put a choclate milk and a bagel on the desk.

"You nervous about today?" Julia asked and her daughter had to smile. Today. Finally.

For the last three weeks she had gone to the hospital every single day. She would enter the hospital after lunch time and leave it before dinner. She had started to spend more time with her daughter and she had noticed that Rachel seemed more happy than before.

With Deeks, however, she didn't seem to quiet click. They had become even better friends than the had been during their real second year as partners, but still. They hadn't talked about his past ever since he had told her his last memory. She didn't see why they had to go through that pain just yet, if they could just focus on his physical recovery first. So they were friends and didn't talk about more than friendship just yet. The doctors and nurses and also their friends and family had agreed to that being a good idea, since talking about what he did not remember just seemed to stress out everyone.

"Mooooommmmyyy?" a sleepy voice echoed from the stairs and Kensi was pulled out of her thoughts.

"I'm in the kitchen, honey" she revealed to her daughter and soon she heard her bare feet toddle towards them.

"Bagel!" Rachel smiled brightly, a crooked and, to Kensi, painful smile.

"Hurry up, Rach, we're late" Kensi told her and the little girl nodded.

"Yes, mommy" she replied, already half done with the bagel.

"See your friend today?" Rachel asked and Kensi had to smile.

"Yes" she answered and sat down next to her daughter. "And maybe you'll get to meet him soon" she commented and got the most brightest smile from her daughter she had ever seen her smile.

"Martyyyy" she giggled and drank her milk. "Mommy, why Monty look so weird?" the little girl asked, motioning at the old dog looking at her with wide eyes.

Kensi pressed her lips together and clapped her hand against her leg, motioning the dog to come to her.

"Because he knows my friend. He's his friend, too, you know" Kensi explained and let her hand rest on the dog's forehead.

"But he never look like that when you talk about your friend" Rachel argued and made Kensi giggle.

"That's because we never say his name out loud, honey" she smiled at her daughter and took a deep breath before adding. "Wanna see? Say his name again"

"Marty" Rachel's voice uttered softly and happily and though it was nice to hear her daughter say his name, it broke her heart.

Monty, however, reacted the way she had expected him to. He sat up, cocked his head to one side and put up his ears. Rachel giggled loudly and made Kensi smile again. It broke her heart, but maybe meeting this little sunshine would be the magic they needed to make him remember who he was.

"Okay, come on. You'll be late for daycare" Kensi took Rachel by the hand and helped her get ready to leave the house.

"Mom?" Kensi turned around before passing the threshold as her daughter was already approaching the car. "I'll go right to the hospital after I drop her off at the daycare" she explained as her mother appeared at the door

"I know, honey. Call me as soon as you have any news" her mother replied and then smiled at her, softly. "I can pick her up this afternoon, if you need to stay longer."

"Thanks" Kensi pressed a quick kiss on her cheek and then rushed off to the car.

Today. Finally.

* * *

With two coffees in her hands she walked through the hospital corridors, almost bumping into Nancy as she finally reached Deeks' room.

"Sorry" she quickly uttered before smiling at Nancy and entering the room after her.

"No worries, Kensi" she laughed and started to change Deeks' empty bed linen.

"He still in there?" Kensi asked Nancy, putting aside the two cups and taking off her jacket.

"Mr. Deeks overslept" Nancy laughed and stopped for a minute just to enjoy seeing Kensi happy – for the first time since they had met she was actually smiling ninty percent of the time. She knew that life was being hard on Kensi's little family, but still. The young woman somehow managed it to put aside the fact that her fiance and the father of her four-year-old didn't remember their lives together, just to support Deeks with his physical therapy and recovery and for that she looked up to Kensi.

"He just started about half an hour ago" Nancy finished, already leaving the room again, dirty bed lines in her arms. "Go ahead, I'm sure he's happy to see you so early in the morning"

"Nancy?" Kensi quickly said, stepping a few steps towards her. "What did the doctor say?" the strenght and confidence seemed to just fall off her like a mask, leaving behind worry and anxiety.

"He will talk to you two after Mr. Deeks' physical therapy scession. But he is confident that your fiance will be out of here by the end of the week" Nancy smiled, nodded at Kensi and then left the room.

The end of the week. Just three more days and today they would actually talk about it. Finally.

She smiled and walked out of the door, rushing down the corridor and approaching a yellow door at the end of it. She peeked in through the glass and spotted Deeks, sitting on a mat, legs into the air – like a candle. He had been going to physical therapy for about two and a half weeks and he had gained weight and muscle quickly. After they had done tons of exercises to strenghten his legs, he now was concentrating on the lower and upper back, in order to be able to walk properly. His body was almost as perfectly in shape as she remembered it to be and, from the outside, he started to look more and more like her Deeks. Even his character had improved and his humour, his smiles, his jokes and his stupid commentaries were the same she was used to hear. But still, after three weeks of meeting with him daily, doing physical therapy and talking to him about the things he did indeed remember, she couldn't quite say it was her Deeks. At least not to 100%.

However, they had agreed to not talk about what he did not remember. The idea was to do one thing at a time. First walk, then get out of the hospital and get settled to his old life again. By talking about the going back to his old life again, she had thought he would want to go to his apartment, to a four year younger Monty and to his job as a liason officer. He had surprised her by telling her that even though he did not quite know, nor did he want to know just yet, how his life before the accident had been like, he wanted to go back to that and not to what he remembered. She had agreed, she had told him that things between the accident and now had changed a lot aswell and after all, four years had passed, but he had insisted and she was happy to assist. However, the fact that that would mean for Deeks and Rachel to meet in less than three days, scared her.

Kensi pulled herself out of her thoughts, put on her most beautiful smile, and knocked on the yellow door. It was hard to treat him as a friend and not as her fiance – still, she wasn't doing this for herself, but for him and that was the only thing that mattered.

"Hey" Deeks gave her a crooked smile and made her weird, simple smile turn into a bright, honest one.

"Hi" she stepped next to him and his physical therapist and leaned against the wall. "Looks good" she smiled and took a closer look at the huge improvement he had made.

"Feels good" Deeks agreed and then got up. "Streching and we're done, right?" he asked the young man next to him, who nodded and helped him strech his back and his legs.

"Did you bring me coffee?" he asked, grinning at Kensi and making her laugh.

"'Course I did" she replied, truly happy for the first time in a long time. Finally, everything seemed good again – if only there wouldn't be that ugly truth in that dark corner, waiting for them to let their guards down so it could attack. Like a predator waiting for its prey to fall asleep, stumble or make a mistake.

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**I hope you liked this one and thank you again for the suggestion. I will try to upload at least one more time this weeks, which won't be that easy since I go back to school tomorrow and a LOT of exams are coming up (after all this is my last year of school). However, I will try to prevent the exams and school from affecting this or my other story.**

**Love, milly**


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